I’M NOT THAT PERSON

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I want to be in life and the woman I’m becoming, and I like her for the most part. When I was younger I struggled with my insecurities. I had acne growing up, I was very skinny, my breasts never really filled, and I was socially awkward. I wanted so badly to be a part of the popular group that I made my parents pour hundreds of dollars into cheerleading so I could finally be “well-liked”. I mean of course, given my luck, I ended up showing up late to try-outs and was, by default, stuck on the “rejects” team. Which happened to be filled with only dark-skinned black girls … and now that I’m thinking back speaks volumes on our present-day issues of racism and colorism, but that’s for another time. I feel like no one wanted popularity and stardom more than me at the time, but I wasn’t in the position to get it, since I wasn’t naturally attractive for a 13-year-old. I was constantly the butt of every joke, I think I’ve always been easier to make fun of, even now. I’m soft spoken, and I’m not one to bite back. I appreciate those times because it built character and made me a character, my form of biting back was to just roast myself. Regain control of the situation by offering self-depreciating jokes that made me the “funny one” …still not the popular one, but at least I was known for something. I’ve always known I was a woman of many talents, but I wanted everyone else to know. It wasn’t enough that my small circle of friends knew I was funny, or that I could write really well. I wanted to be well-known on a broader scale. I had things to say, and I wanted them heard. Across all social media platforms growing up, whether it was Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, I had never reached a large-scale audience. Then came Instagram, it was a social media platform that was based mainly on appearance. Just over this past year I have gained over 10,000 followers for reasons unknown, and I finally felt like other people saw in me, what I had struggled to see in myself for many years. With this growing Instagram “fame” I’ve felt the stigma that came with it. I am no longer supposed to date “regular” guys because I’m allegedly out of their leagues. When I do date them, they see my following and think that I’m more than what I am. Or if they get to know me they think that my Instagram is all an act, since I’m goofy and annoying rather then sexy and alluring as my Instagram suggests. I feel like social media gives people an inflated ego which is ultimately a false sense of self. You automatically think you are better than certain people or more deserving because a lot of people keep up with your life. People automatically assume I have a lot of money, and since I don’t then I’m just a flexer. When in actuality my ability to take good pictures has nothing to do with my financial life at all. The problem with being an “IG girl” is that you are reduced to having nothing more to offer than a pretty face. You’re just an insta-thot. Guys of a higher status assume that you have a lot of other guys of higher status in your DMs, so you’re not even one to be taken seriously. Outsiders also make unwarranted comments about your life. I used to be friends with a girl that had a very large following, and from the outside looking in my circle were no longer people or friends, we were her posse, or entourage. We couldn’t possibly have our own personas because we were in the shadow of hers. The members of the group almost started to believe it as well, as sad as that sounds. I’ve also noticed a lot people forcing in-genuine connections because of how it would look to social media, or to boost their followings. All of these scenarios have begun to open my eyes to the very toxic side of this platform. I have barely breached the surface of this IG “fame”, so I can only imagine the latter. Instagram has opened many doors for me, and I’ve even made money from it, but at what cost?