SEXUALITY VS. WOMANHOOD

I think growing up in an ethnic household has to be on a 1000 ways to die. My dad is Haitian and my mom is African …if that wasn’t a crazy mix alone, add 4 kids, and a home in America and you’d be in for a mess. I am the 2nd out of 4 girls; growing up my dad was the authoritarian and on the opposing end my mother was permissive. My dad always had very strong opinions and a loud voice to match his ideals that he aggressively pushed onto us. Whether it be religion, sexuality, our style, you name it, my dad was making it known how it “was” and how we had to be. Having such strong parental authority can do the inevitable …push you into rebellion. As a teen I rejected everything, the religion he pushed onto me, I was dress coded every other day, and I started having sex. Of course, things could have been a lot worse, I could have had countless partners, but instead I didn’t stray too far from his “perfect” mold. There comes a time when you have to separate yourself from what you grew up on and reflect on your ideals. Were you merely mimicking the thoughts of your parents or were they stemming from your own morals? I met a man, John, he was too smart for his own good. He was the first person that sparked a new type of forward-thinking in my mind. Whenever I would be judgmental or hypocritical he would call me out, and ask me if I was just thinking this way because society taught me to think this way. Who said these certain sexual behaviors were frowned upon? Against what standard? Granted, I’m sure he was saying all of these things to get me to have sex with him, but he was right. Who said my sexuality had to be vanilla until I meet my husband. If you read my previous blogs you know where that mindset led me… Miami boy and White boy, but overall the bigger picture was there. Often times I felt like I had to separate myself from my sexuality, she was a girl I would throw in a closet, hide away for my man, and pull out only at the “appropriate” time. We were two different people, God forbid I talk openly about sex on social media, let alone in real life. My mom watched my VLOGS and told me that I had no business talking about sex and cursing on my channel because I had a degree and I needed to be more of a woman. So, because I had a degree I could no longer be my true self, I, again had to hide another side of me. While men get to be praised for their testosterone and masculinity, I had to hide mine away to be a “woman”. A couple of days ago I put a question up on my Instagram story, and told people to ask me spicy questions. I started to answer my questions, and I had a slew of guys reach out to me. One even asking me, in so many words, to have sex with him. This led me to believe that it is so hard for there to be a common ground between women and their sexualities. I was deemed a hoe for the answers on my story, and men addressed me as such. If men can’t own your sexuality some way somehow, then apparently it shouldn’t be shown. I always make the example that Cardi B is my new inspiration because she was able to be both. She was the mother, the sex symbol, and she still was accepted by high profile brands in the industry. She was unapologetic about her sexuality. People would combat me and tell me she was allowed to be this way because she was a celebrity. I guess the average girl was still not allowed to have a public sexual identity. I want people to shift their thinking. I want the average girl to be able to show her sexuality, and not fear the judgment. WE have needs, we want to show skin, we have sex, and we want to talk about it. We exist.